He's Not Back and Other Stupid Tales
by xHearMyHowlx
Summary: I thought it'd be neat to do one-shots on some BG characters in HP. Then I got another idea: How about funny tales about what COULD have happened? Completely random, I'm warning you. So hold onto your tubesocks, here we go...
1. He's Not Back!

"He's not back!" Cornelius Fudge was shouting in Dumbledore's face again, refusing to believe what the old fool was saying about the Dark Lord.

"Well, if you insist. But _don't_ say I didn't warn you, Cornelius."

Weeks Later…

"He's not back!" Fudge was furious, and this time he couldn't even shout at Dumbledore for saying so; he sent an owl.

Taking the letter in his hands, he shredded it, all the while mumbling to himself: "Not back, he's not back…"

Weeks Later, once again…

Dumbledore waltzed into the courtroom, announcing himself. He came up to Fudge.

"Cornelius, there is _evidence_ the Dark Lord has returned," he said.

"He's _not back_!" Fudge spewed his spit all over the Headmaster, and somehow the man didn't seem to care.

Dumbledore sighed.

Months Later…

Fudge gaped. "He's back!"

Months later, again…

"But I don't see what the problem is, Mr. Fudge."

Fudge glared at the psychiatrist.

"You've been seeing me for _years_ and you've seemed to be getting better at, well, _life_. Now tell me why you're not happy."

He looked at the woman. "I don't see how I lost my job!"

"But we established this, Mr. Fudge. You were overruled by the rest of the Ministry after '_the incident_'. Remember?"

He looked at her incredulously. "He's _not back_!"


	2. 1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor

_Severus was drinking. Again. He tended to do that when he'd been rejected once again_ for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post. Lucius watched him fixedly as his friend gingerly lifted a tequila to his lips. Severus had never had any problems with drinking, but this time he seemed to be in the worst mood Lucius had ever seen him in: Dumbledore had clearly told him he'd rather have Umbridge teach the class than he, and that was cold.

Lucius let his mind wander and daydreamt about what Severus would be like, _drunk_…

Drunken Severus 1:

Lucius, after hearing his friend was in need of a drink, had invited Severus over to the Malfoy Manor. Lucius sat across from Severus at the dining room table.

The fourth tequila glass that evening slammed down on the table, and Lucius looked up at Severus, who he'd been watching. The poor man looked like he was about to cry.

"Severus?" Lucius whispered carefully. "Is something… wrong, Severus?"

The other man closed his eyes and a few tears trailed across his cheeks. Severus ran a frustrated hand through his greasy hair and shook his head. "I think… I thinkI'mgonna…" Severus took a deep breath. His speech was slurred and Lucius listened carefully. "I'mgonna… stop…" His hands flew to cover his face as he sobbed into them. Lucius gaped; he'd never witnessed the man cry.

"Stop what, Severus?" He asked quietly, furrowing his brow.

His friend took a shaky deep breath. "Stop t-teaching… that'swhatI'mgonnado," he sobbed. Severus crossed his arms on the table and laid his head in the opening between them. He hiccupped. "I don't, don't th-think 'Ogwarts wantsmeanymore…" His voice was muffled.

Lucius's eyes widened. "No! You can't stop _teaching_, Severus! That's a bit of an overreaction, if you think about it. It's not the Hogwarts doesn't _want _you, _Merlin_, no! You're just not ready for that particular position!"

"I'materribleteacha', Luciusssss." He sobbed even harder. After a few minutes, the heavy sobbing halted altogether.

Lucius put a hand on Severus's arm and leaned forward, about to ask him if he was alright, but Severus's head snapped up. He jumped.

"I believe I'm going to need a good romance film, a shovel, and a couple buckets of chocolate ice cream." He got up and left Lucius sitting there, dumbfounded.

Lucius scratched his head, wondering _what_, exactly, was in that tequila…

Drunken Severus 2:

Lucius was running. Severus's wand in his pale, thin hand, he ran for his life. Severus was chasing him all around the Manor.

"COME BACK HERE!!"

Lucius swallowed nervously at the angry scream and clutched his friend's wand tighter. "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS, SEVERUS!!"

"YES I CAN! _WATCH_ ME!! NOW GIVE ME BACK THE BLOODY WAND!"

"NEVER IN YOUR LIFE!!" Lucius let out a squeal as he rounded a corner and kept running, knowing Severus's temper would just get worse after his replies.

"IT'S _MY_ CHOICE WHAT I DO WITH IT, LUCIUS!! GIVE IT _BACK_! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, THANK YOU!!!"

"YOU CAN'T MUDER DUMBLEDORE FOR NOT GIVING YOU A JOB! THAT'S _RIDICULUS_!"

"IT'S NOT RIDICULUS! IT'S _PAYBACK_! _REVENGE_! HE HAS IT COMING!!"

Lucius became inpatient and hoped it wasn't long before Severus passed out…

Drunken Severus 3:

Lucius looked in the floor-length mirror in the living room and fiddled with his hair. He'd given Severus a bottle of rum to shut him up and had told him to knock himself out.

He looked over at his friend, lying on the floor. He hadn't meant _literally, _idiot…

Drunken Severus 4:

Lucius, after providing Severus with alcohol, began rambling on again about having some sort of appearance dilemma. This time, he'd had a bad hair day…

"…and it _still_ won't stay _straight_! I can't understand what on this earth I could have _possibly_ done _so wrong _to deserve _this_…"

Severus collapsed in a chair in the living room and paid no attention to Lucius, who was sitting on a chair next to him, hand mirror pressed up against his face.

"…and _now_ I think a zit is popping up _right on the tip of my nose_!" He stopped and lowered the mirror at Severus's outburst in giggling. "What?"

The man clutched his sides and sat upside down in the chair, hair touching the ground.

"WHAT?!"

"You know, you look like that fluffy-pink-flower-professor! What'shername? UMBRIDGE! You've _gotthefaceandeverything_!"

Lucius looked in the mirror. "YOU DID NOT." He scrunched his face. "I see no resemblance whatsoever."

Severus gasped and pointed at Lucius's face.

"What is it _this_ time?" He asked him.

Severus's eyes were bigger than dinner plates. "You know what?"

"What, Severus?" He recited lazily. This had been going on for more than an hour. Lucius was sure Severus wasn't drunk anymore and was just having fun insulting him now.

"You look _just like _this one guy called… LUCIUS! _That's_ the name!! _Lucius_!"

Well that wasn't an insult. "That's because I _am_ him, dingbat."

"Am who? _Lucius_?" Severus thought for a moment.

"Yes, I am Lucius. That's why I highly resemble the man."

"Really? Who told you that?"

"Huh? Why?"

"Because you look nothing like him."

Drunken Severus 5:

"AHHH!!!" A scream came from the upstairs bathroom. Lucius ran towards it, but found nobody in it.

"Severus? Where are you?"

Lucius heard a small whimper come from behind the shower curtain. He peeked around the side. "There you are. Now, what's all this screaming about?"

"Sc-scary…" he muttered. Lucius rolled his eyes.

"There's nothing here, in this house, that is truly scary, Severus. Yes, there are some Dark decorations around, but nothing that can hurt you."

Severus shook his head fast. "Oh yes there is. It's r-right around this c-c-c-curtain. Look." He peeked around to look past it, while Lucius turned around. Lucius cursed under his breath.

"That's not scary."

"Look at it! IT'S DISGUSTING!!!!"

Lucius left Severus in the bathroom to face the beast of which he was speaking of that was oh, so terrifying, and petrifyingly UGLY: His reflection.

Back to real life…

Lucius snapped out of his daze. Severus downed the last of his first drink. Lucius looked at him, disgusted. Severus turned to him.

"What?" Lucius just shook his head, and Severus turned back to the bartender.

"Another one, please." He said. Lucius got up from his seat.

"That's it: I'm outa here."


	3. Oh, The Misery!

Gilderoy Lockhart had looked everywhere: under his desk, in his trunk, under the bookcase, in his briefcase, on his desk, in his chair, in the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink, underneath a pile (and a very _large_ pile, at that) of fan mail and requests… where could it be? His most prized possession, lost. Gone. _Forever_. This couldn't be happening.

Albus Dumbledore knocked once on the open door to Lockhart's new office as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, then walked in, watching Lockhart's frenzy to find his lost thing. "Um, hello there, Gilderoy! Could I help you find something?" He asked lightly.

Lockhart froze and slowly turned his way. His face was furious. "I. Can't. Find. It." He nodded, then went back to tearing up the place looking for "it".

Dumbledore smiled. "By 'it', could you possibly mean your _wig_?" Lockhart froze and turned his way again, but that time faster.

"How do you know about that?" He asked, devastated. He shook his head. "Never mind that: Where is it? You know where it is, I _know_ you know where it is! It better be in good shape or I'll have a word with whoever put it there! _You _know where it is! Give it to me! Give it to me now! _Gimmegimmegimme_!!!" He reached his fingers out and made hyper grabbing motions with them as fast as the man could, while his face looked scared and eager.

Dumbledore reached around in his pocket until he pulled out a perfectly golden hairpiece. "I'm so very sorry, Gilderoy! I had no intention of putting you through this misery! I simply borrowed it for a special occasion, and intended to replace it back where it was, but it seems you've beat me to it! Here it is, freshly dry-cleaned, even!" He said.

Lockhart snatched it from his hands and placed it back on its holder. "Oh, thank you, then. So you _stole_ it from me."

"I wouldn't say it like that, no. I merely _borrowed_ it without asking, that's all."

"So basically, you _stole_ it."

"That's not the problem here, Gilderoy! We still have to find out who stole the _other_ one!"

Lockhart's hand flew to the top of his shiny head. "Oh boy."


	4. Curious

Severus Snape was packing as fast as he could. He had to get out of there, because Lucius had told all the bars not to allow him in. He wondered why…. Shaking his head, he shoved more robes in his trunk to finish his packing to leave town in hope of drinking away his sorrow somewhere else. "Well, _that's_ curious…" He muttered, finding something that didn't belong at the bottom of the pile in his trunk. "Well I'll expect he'll want _that_ back," he said, tossing it aside. Gilderoy Lockhart's wig landed with a _thump_ on Snape's bedroom floor…


End file.
